By Seb Lemons reporting from Marseille.
Several Football matches broke out this weekend in yet another disappointing episode for English Chair Throwing. An ECTA spokesman said “This tournament has been very carefully planned but the police seem to be totally unprepared for ball kicking.”
Charlie Fence, treasurer of the official England fan club said “We bought our tickets months ago. We’ve turned up at the stadium, all excited to see the furniture fly, and then they lock the doors and the ultras start playing soccer. I couldn’t bear to watch.”
England team captain Kerry Vickers’ husband got caught up in the soccer. “Jerry was just on his way to watch our opening match and the hardcore fans – or ‘coaches’ – ambushed his group and he ended up playing left back. Disgusting.”
Vickers, a veteran of the furniture-based sport, has worked her way up slowly from the bar stool minor leagues to the Sofa World Premiership and was quick to voice her displeasure at what might turn out to be the only major tournament of her career. “I’ve dreamt of throwing in this tournament since I was a nipper. We’d play in the IKEA car park round the back of my estate, jumpers for chairs, and stop and stare when they made a delivery. I finally made it here and now they’re talking about cancelling the tournament!”
It’s another in a long line of controversies for chair throwing. The sport’s governing body, FICTA (Le Federation de International Chair Throwing Associations) are currently being investigated after a large amount of change was found down the back of one of their official sofas and Joao Nero, manager of club side Morley Chuckers, has recently settled a sexual discrimination dispute with the club’s former upholsterer.