He’s back. He was here last year, and he’s here again this. A slimeball of epic proportions, I call him… THE CHILD CATCHER!
Just like last year, my show this year is in the afternoon in a venue just off the Royal Mile, 3.40pm at the Tron to be precise. I bloody love the Tron as a comedy room. It’s a seriously good space for stand-up. Low ceilings, good technical set-up and AIR CONDITIONING! That last one is more important than you’d expect in Scotland, but heat from spotlights and human respiration really can warm up some of these venues to furnace levels. Not great for the attention span in an hour show. Anyway, it means that the best place to flyer is usually the Royal Mile, as the “it starts in 10 minutes and is just over there” approach works pretty well. The problem with this is having to tolerant some weapons grade bellends flyering rivals on Edinburgh’s busiest thoroughfare. In previous year’s I’ve stuck to Bristo Square, as people were generally milling about looking for shows and we were nearby. As the channel 4 listings say, Location location location.
Anyway, last year I noticed this guy, probably early 20s, looks a bit nerdy but fancies himself as a PLAYA! Not a spanish beach, I mean he thinks he’s a ladies man, while looking like a mummy’s boy. So, here’s his approach to flyering.
EXT: Fringe Shop
Group of teenage girls approaches. Age is probably closer to 14 than 19.
SLIMEBALL: Hello laydeeeeeez.
OK, we’ll pause there. As a 20-something man, if you call teenage girls “laydeeez”, hand yourself in to the nearest zoo because you ARE A REPTILE. Let’s continue…
SLIMEBALL: OK, so, who’s in charge here. Probably you, right? What’s your name?
GIRL #1: Tiffany
[I am led to believe that this is what 15 year-olds are called nowadays]
SLIMEBALL: AND YOU GUYS?
Other girls give their names.
SLIMEBALL: Cool. Good names. I’m [massivus douchebagius], nice to meet you… blah… blah… just for you, I’m going to write on this flyer so you can get two-for-one tickets today…
Yeah, cheesedick, “just for you” and the 20 other groups of teen girls you’ve hit on today. Two-for-ones eh? There’s an odd number of them, what now? Maths not a strong point? You’ll be needing it for tallying up those days IN PRISON. And I hope you’ve been CRB-checked, because this lot are underage. Scumbag likes his audiences barely legal. [At this point I am struggling to stop myself making a comparison to the audience of Russell Howard's Good News.]
The problem is, it works! Fair play to the guy who is vile on The Mile, he’s sussed it. Teenage girls love attention from older guys, whether they look like an undergraduate milky bar kid or not. He’s basically a lapdancer, pretending he fancies you so you’ll pay for a private performance, but when you arrive in the back room you see all the
other suckers, but it’s too late.
His show might be great, he might be a super-talented writer and performer, have business smarts and otherwise be a top bloke and a great guy. But while he continues to be creepy in Auld Reekie, he will forever be known, to me at least, as…
THE CHILD CATCHER!
My new show, ‘Tom Goodliffe: All In Good Time’ is at Just the Tonic at the Tron, 3.40pm every day(except the 14th). Click here for tickets, or buy them on the door.
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